What Kind Of Band Are You In?

I'm always amused by how different a band's description of themselves is from what I see. You know, your friend says he plays in a rock band, and you want to come out and show some support. So you put on your classic Def Leppard shirt, make sure you have a taxi service on call in case you drink too much Jack Daniels, and pump some Foo Fighters on the way to the show. Then you arrive and see him backing a cute married couple who show an affinity for the Carpenters.

Or how about the band that thinks they are a power pop band, but plays eight minute songs filled with extended solos: they're a jam band. Those bands will send demos out to labels which focus on power pop and have no idea why they get rejected.

The worst, to me, are the people who say, they are "pro players" but have to cancel every practice for various excuses which sometimes involve family deaths, work, or pet emergencies.

So, let us help out those bands with my personal rules for defining who you are.

Your fans love your cover of (Pick one: Free Fallin, Sweet Home Alabama, Wagon Wheel, Brown Eyed Girl, Watchtower) or any such song: You are in a cover band. Even if you play 90% originals, you're a cover band.

You wear black t-shirts, have lots of tattoos, and your fans look angry: Punk

You wear black t-shirts, have lots of tattoos, and your fans look happy: Rock-a-billy

You wear black t-shirts, have lots of tattoos, and your fans look sad: Emo

You wear black t-shirts, have lots of tattoos, and your fans look bored: Maroon 5.

Your guitarist riffs and solos more than the singer sings, but he can't read music: Metal

Your guitarist riffs and solos more than the singer sings, but he writes music on staff paper: Jazz

Your bassist plays passing tones, scales, fills, and avoids repeating patterns the entire show: Jam band

Your drummer plays the same song different ways each time because of what he "feels in the moment": Jam band

Jazz or Jam? Lots of soling by several musicians, long songs, melodic interpretation, overriding theme, and purposeful transitions: Jazz.

Lots of soloing by all musicians in band, often at the same time, without purpose or direction, but everyone gets high and pretends to follow along through excruciatingly long songs: Jam

Two members of your band are dating each other: A band soon to break up

Your girlfriend is jealous of all the attention you get at shows and wishes you'd play out less: a band on the right path.

Your girlfriend doesn't bother to come to the shows or ask how many girls were there: either a band on the wrong path or your girlfriend is about to leave you.

Local press hails you as the Under-appreciated Next Big Thing: Band with no fans and about to break up

Local press refuses to write about you unless mocking your fans: Next Big Thing

You play to a room where people sit at tables: Folk band

You play to a room without chairs but people sit: Emo

You play to a room where tables and chairs get knocked over: Good band.

Any member has, for any reason, worn shorts and flip flops on stage: beach bar cover band

For every time your singer says "It's great to be here": whatever your band is, you are one step closer to being a Lounge Band

You've been nominated as "Best Garage/ Underground Band": you are sloppy

Your set includes three original songs with different girls names: cliche pop band

Your shows are sparsely attended by guys with beards and girls with nerd glasses, nobody really listens to your CDs more than once, but you sell a ton of them: Indie band

If any member can quote three Dylan tunes and you all know what a 1-4-5 pattern is: feel free to describe yourself as Americana, that seems to be all it takes

You call yourself Americana, but nobody plays fiddle, banjo, piano, or washboard, yet your singer also plays acoustic guitar: you're pop. Or modern country, which is pop. 

There are at least three times the number of people in the audience as there are band members on any given night, and more than one fan will call out the names of your songs during your set: Successful Band

You really want to be punk, but just can't seen to maintain the necessary anger no matter how much you abuse yourself: Power Pop

Your bio includes "indescribable," or "hard to categorize": you sound exactly like a bad version of another famous band

Your bio includes a description of how the members all met in high school: Boring Band

Your bio focuses on the story of how the members met at a Maroon 5 concert: Really Boring Band

You plan a tour to take advantage of fishing season along the way: Southern Rock

Your first band photo shows all the members staring into space off camera in front of a naturally or architecturally unique backdrop: every band

You know how to pee into a soda bottle while driving at 3am, can sleep just about anywhere, have performed while injured, care more about the free beer than the night's pay until the moment the van needs gas, lost a girlfriend because of the band, haul your own gear, and can simultaneously love and hate the guys you play with: Rock Band

Additionally, there are different kinds of players:

A Full Time Musician:

- This is all you know and you have no backup plans. See "Rock Band" above for further clarification.

A Part Time Musician:

- You're living your back up plan

- You've cancelled a decent gig for a girlfriend's sister's engagement party

- You hide any hint of rock band from your boss

- In your closet, your work clothes, casual clothes, and dress clothes all exceed your musician clothes.

A Hobbyist:

- You have to tell the booking agent you can confirm the gig after the other guys check with their wives or girlfriends

- It's been so long since the last gig you have to practice to remember your own songs

- You attend more shows than you play

- If somebody stole your primary instrument but left you the empty case, you might not notice for weeks or months

- You overhear your wife or girlfriend say "Oh, he used to play in bands"